Not often

It’s been very varied in feelings not being with Miguel. When we first broke up, I was initially like whatever, he is gonna come back. But that was for like a day. Then I began with the begging and pleading for him to get back with me. All he asked was for some space, but I couldnt fathom the idea with someone who I’d become so dependent on.

See, initially, I hated asking him for anything. He felt that I didnt need him and made comments to me like that. Slowly and unnoticedly, I became dependent on him. Which was something I really tried to avoid in case we ever broke up.

Now through those first few weeks, I tried everything I knew to try and fix things. Not before I was a complete dick during each opportunity I had to speak to him face to face. I couldnt help it. I was hurt and stubborn and didnt want to be the one to cave. 

But in the midst of starting a new college and life, newly single, I still tried. I did what every article told me not to, which was text him everyday but then I also didnt talk to him and none of it was getting me anywhere. 

School started to get busy for both of us. Our own separate lives still began to flourish without the other, and I was still trying. 

I just felt us moving further and further apart but i still didnt let go. I consulted my friends and all of them told me to let him go, but I couldnt, I love him and I wanted to fix things.

I even did my best at a grand gesture in going to a special store in Georgetown and find a card, planning out a time for us to see each other and mailing it to him. He took that guesture and played with it and made it seem like i forced him into when i gave him every option and opportunity to say something or to just convey that he wasnt up for it. 

Fast forward to today, 8 months later, and we are as far apart as ever and I cant seem to let go. It has been clear through his words and actions that he wants nothing to do with me.

And you know what sucks, I’m pretty content with everything. I have great friends, good school and job, and lots of guys after and vying fo rmy attention. I’ve tried just talking to other people and my interests is as lost as ever. I still want the guy who made me feel like this. 

We had this whole thing of if we were gonna try and be friends, we wouldnt talk for a month. I know it sounds stupid and juvenile but I complied. Over the last month, I felt my feelings change. I still care for him but just not as much as I use to. 

But how can I say that, when I’m sitting here, typing this and wondering if he is thinking about me. At this point, I don’t miss him as a boyfriend but just as friend. I told him in arguements that we never got to be friends first. I was wrong, he was my best friend, the first person I talked to each day, the person I sent funny cat stuff too, the first person who i shared my mini and big accomplishments with, the person who always a nice hug for me, and who i could fall asleep watching netflix with and feel safe and comfortable. 

There are some days where no matter how happy and excited I am about whatever it is I have going on or whoever I am going to see, I still think about Miguel and miss him immensely. At this point, I just want my friend back, but I have no idea and it kills me.